Fall on your knees...

For those of you who are familiar with Dane Cook, I've really come to the realization that his theory on events in our lives is bizarrely correct.

We will all cry.

And we will all take painful shits.

I love Christmas, but this is the first Christmas since I was very young that my family won't be together. Recently, my family dynamic has changed substantially, and as much as I try to play up my indifference, the holidays can't help but bring out an emotional side of me that I try very hard to hide. And unfortunately for me, the breaking point happened in the middle of Target. Surrounded by rabid soccer moms.

Don't get me wrong. I'm plenty emotional. But I tend to handle my emotions in a much more visceral way, like saying extremely inappropriate statements at inappropriate times about inappropriate things. Judge me all you want, but it makes me feel better. It is rare that you will ever see me cry, let alone see me cry in public amongst fake Christmas trees, screaming children, and Christmas carols.

But it was the accumulation of those things that brought me to that point. I'm sad that this is the first year my family hasn't gone to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and hearing "O' Holy Night" over the radio did a great job of reminding me of that, and it's as if the artificial trees were screaming "You call the 2 feet piece of wire you have on your table at home a TREE? Whatev." And then they laughed. I'm not joking, in my fragile state of mind, I really thought that the trees in Target were taunting me. And I gave in to it.

And cried.

I cried huge, crocodile, 5 year old throwing a tantrum kind of tears.

I hid my basket of items, went to the bathroom, and sobbed.

I felt like a total tool.

You hear all the time that the Holidays bring out the worst in people, and you see that every time you walk into a Wal-Mart around Christmas. However, my situation brought something to light for me. I am an extremely vulnerable person.

And I'll admit.

As much as it hurt, it felt pretty good.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

P.s. Because I already know you're reeling from that, I'll stop my post before I hit the part about painful shits.

I'm just a penny on a train track.

So every few months I have a breakdown. They vary in severity, sometimes I'll just start crying randomly and after a gallon of ice cream and an episode or two of "Rob and Big" to cheer me up I'm back to my normal cynical, asshole self that you all know and love. But every once in a while I have a big, huge, snot inducing, thought provoking, depression-fueling pity party. Normally I like to freak out by myself, but Steven happened to be present for my most current one. I don't like to cause a scene, especially with Steven. As much as I know he'd support me in anything, I find it very selfish to explain why my life sucks so badly to someone who is quite literally being eaten alive by a disease that has no cure. Luckily for me, he had some stuff to get off his chest too, so for a good 3 hours we sat in his car after eating an amazing pizza dinner and just talked. I realized during our convervation how much we've taken for granted... after 4 years together, things just became a routine. We don't just talk anymore. Kissing each other good night isn't as much of a necessity as it used to be. Being able to fall asleep without them next to you is normal now. We have been living in a constant state of complacency in our relationship that we were fine with... until recently.

We aren't happy people. I'd love to blame all my problems on the fact that high school sucked, I didn't do what I wanted to with my life, and the love of my life with eventually succumb to a disease that people don't know enough about to be even close to a cure. But really, I think I'm not happy because all of those things have made me believe that life can't get any better then this. I hate being 21 years old and at my peak.

I'm probably not going to be in Iowa much longer. I don't know where I'm going to go... I have a few ideas, but nothing concrete yet. Hopefully somewhere warmer. I'm going to be a photographer, which is something I should've done a long time ago. I decided to go into healthcare because it was smart, recession-proof, and respected. However, I've decided that for my sanity and learning how to love myself again, I'm going to start by changing a lot of things. I want to be a fashion photographer, and hopefully my dreams will end up taking me to New York, or London, or some other place amazing. Until then, I'm just going to start small and work my way up. Steven is going to focus more on his music, and we're actually going to do what we set out to do. For a long time I felt like I was giving up on my dreams of being a musician or actress, but as you grow up your dreams change. It just took me a long time to cope with the fact that I had to let go of my old ones.

So, with this breakdown came a plan. Normally I just go back to my old ways and deal with a life that I'm miserable in. Not anymore. I'm starting over.

She shakes her head.

My life has been rather stressful recently.

I got offered a job at Methodist West, which I've been pining over for months, but now I feel a little conflicted. Not because of the job, I want the job, but because I've gotten so attached to my friends at Mercy. Luckily I was asked to stay PRN. So I get the best of both worlds. I get to do what I specialized in, and I get my friends. Can't beat that.

I think that working nights has made Steven and I a lot closer (not that we weren't before) and I hope that doesn't change once I'm back working days. It seems like the time we do have together is a lot more important now, since half the time we'll go several days and barely see each other. It's amazing that after almost 4 years I don't feel the least bit burnt out. I'm lucky.

We're also getting a puppy!!! His name is Cash. And I love him. He's already spoiled rotten and he doesn't even know who we are.

Anyways, I should probably go do something productive. Later :)

Why can't we see that when we bleed we bleed the same?

The past week has been rather productive. Our new apartment's air conditioning stopped working, and we had to stay with Steven's parents for a few nights to beat the sweltering 85 degree heat in our apartment.

I hate to be added to the cliche of girlfriend's that can't stand they're future-in-laws, but it seems as though I'm being hurled in that direction. Those of you who know me know that I'm not a big touchy feely person, I have my own personal views on life and I like things the way I like them. But Steven's mom seems to just send me over the edge. She gave me the marriage talk several times this week, and it always ends the same way: "I have no intention of being with anyone but Steven. But you should keep yourself occupied because you won't be getting any grandkids out of me for a looooong time." She doesn't like this. Why can't people just accept that we're happy, devoted to each other, and will probably elope in Vegas? I feel like people get married too young these days. I have a theory. If you're going to get married young, go through something really hard together before you do it. It'll help you figure out if you'll be able to handle things when they get hard.. because, let's face it, life sucks sometimes. Steven and I have been through so much in the past 3 and a half years that made us grow up so fast. But we're better people for it, and the maturity we gained has molded our relationship into something I don't think very many people get in their lives. Which is too bad, because its the greatest thing in the world.

I also shot a few concert scenes for the movie "Janie Jones" starring Abigail Breslin, Joel Moore, and Britney Snow (as well as a few other big names.) The opportunities for film in Des Moines right now are amazing, and I'm so blessed to be able to be a part of it. I feel like things in my life are really great right now, and being able to actually make money while hanging out with the coolest people in the world and doing what I love more then anything proves that. I'm meeting a lot of great people and making connections that will hopefully aid my success and maybe get me some more experience. Hopefully they see the potential that I'm really starting to see in myself.

I started my new job at the Mercy West Lakes hospital, and as boring as it is right now I think its going to be good for me. Other then the hours. I think my body is physically rejecting working night shifts. I hear that goes away eventually, but if it doesn't we may have a problem...

Anyways, I need to go to bed now because its 2 in the morning and Steven fell asleep on the couch. So it'll take me another hour to get him from the couch to the bed... and I need to give myself a head start .

I stop the stars for no one.

Steven just made me watch "Labyrinth." Other then the fact that David Bowie used to be semi-good looking (especially in his Goblin King garb) I think the movie may have been a complete waste of two hours of my life. And lucky for the movie watching public, Jennifer Connelly is a much better actress now.

On a better note, Steven's step-dad finally reinforced the stand for my big fish tank so I can start setting it up. What's sad is that for the past 2 weeks the only thing I've really looked forward to is putting that tank together. (I really like my fish.) They're at Steven's parents right now and his mom treats them like they're her grandchildren. She talks to them, and gives them treats, and it almost makes me sad to take them away from her. Luckily she got 2 of her own that she added to my tank for when I take mine back, but now mine are getting attached. So I'm pretty sure I'll have to get some replacements, because they'll go through withdrawal.

Now that I'm done with my rant about my fish, I think I'll go get some lunch now.

A song to burn your bridges by.

Seeing as how every person in the world that has nothing important to say has a blog, I figure I might as well attempt to dazzle you with my wits.

So, I feel the need to tell you about my life, though if you're reading this you probably know me or at least want to stalk me... Either because you're actually interested or you hope that I'll slip and say something stupid that you can gossip about. For the latter, stay tuned. I'm bound to sound like an idiot eventually. For those of you that genuinely care, if I do say something that makes me seem like I could be going off the deep end I hope that you'll call me and tell me that I need to go back on my meds, or at least find someone nearby to give me a hug. But if you really did know me you know that there are only about 5 people on this earth that I will hug willingly. Sadly, there are even less that I would allow to initiate the hug in the first.... You're thinking "she has daddy issues," I'm thinking "What did your daddy to you that makes you feel the need to hug everyone you meet?"

So that's really all I have to say right now... but hopefully something exciting will happen tomorrow that I can share with you.

Stay classy.
Jana